Back Story: going through custody battle after calling authorities on suspected drug use by his mother and step father that unfolded into a shit storm on her.
So the Dept. of Children and Families (DCF) stops by on a monthly basis to check up on my son, living conditions, etc to make sure it is up to par. Last night for their regular visit they informed me that his mother and step father are in jail and have been for about a week.
His charge - driving on a suspended license / habitual offender
Her charges - possession of a controlled substance w/o prescription, possession/use of drug paraphernalia, failure to appear in court
Looks like that’s the nail in her coffin. I was already granted shelter of my son and she was given a plan to help her get back to normal and get back into his life pending that she would follow the plan. If she messed up, she was to lose everything. She screwed up bad so that should be it.
The downside - I had her arrest on my computer screen as I was talking to my mom about what happened. My son (5) said “hey it’s mommy” (which he hasnt’ seen in two month). I swear at the worst time my computer refused to close the window. “Daddy is she in jail?” I froze and just said “No that’s just facebook buddy”.
I don’t know how to approach this with my son. I can’t lie to him. I just want to say that his mom is getting help for some things and will see you when she’s better. What do you guys think?
I think by telling him that she is getting help and will be gone for a while is the best thing. If you were to lie and he found out later he could resent you for that. Kids minds are fragile. It’s better to think of something easy to tell them that is the truth but not a harsh truth. I’m glad to hear that you will get custody of your son. Good luck.
You could always phrase it that she made some wrong choices, and she’s got to be in jail for a while to get the help she needs…hell that’s a tough one. Eventually he’s going to need to hear the unvarnished version. You’re his dad, so it’s YOUR call on when that is.
^
I agree. By telling him she’s in jail, you wouldn’t be lying to him. He’ll have to understand that his mother made bad choices in her life. It’s already a tough situation for him being that he’s in the middle of a custody battle. He’ll begin asking the “tough questions” in a few years, anyway. Might as well start easing him into the realization that his mom has made some less than savory decisions in life, and as a result, she is responsible for her own actions. It may be a way of helping him realize that he’ll be responsible for his own actions when he enters the adult world. It is a tough place to be in, and will not be an easy talk, any way you look at it.
Good luck, man.
ninja edit
Mark, I sent you a request on one of those sites.
Yeah I was going to tell him the truth right then but I guess I wanted to wait to think of the right thing to say. At that moment, had I gone off the top of my head, it likely would have gone wrong. So, I’m thinking tonight after we make dinner (we cook together as often as we can), I’m going to explain it to him delicately.
He hasn’t seen her in two months. He stopped asking for her and only asks for his grandma. Crazy that my 5 year old has moved on to accept his mother isn’t around. It’s not normal and he shouldn’t deal with it. It’s pretty depressing as a father. It’s not just that mom is gone, mom is bi-polar, can’t keep a job and has a drug habit that keeps her priorities out of order. Honestly, I try not to cry about it but it is pretty tough. I had my mom and dad around growing up. I really can’t imagine having grown up with either one of them gone. sigh…
I think at 5 he might not grasp what it means to go to jail. I can see him mentioning it at school and such, so as long as you dont mind him telling random people to include teachers, students, other parents, then you might want to wait till he is old enough to know that that is a touchy subject that is only meant to be discussed and talked about at the house behind closed doors. But on the other hand, he could let everyone know for you that she is a deadbeat without you being the one putting her on the spotlight, so as to keep her from having any resentment against you for everyone that has contact with her in someway knowing her mistakes. But then again, if she is as much as a deadbeat as you have portrayed, then she may not even give a shit if anyone knows…